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When A Community is Groomed

9/1/2019

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​One of the hardest things to understand about the sexual abuse of adults is GROOMING. The explosion of #MeToo has made us familiar with the term in a general sense, but even so we may still be unable or unwilling to believe that an adult victim could be manipulated to the extent that they lose the ability to simply “walk away”.

Grooming is the predatory act of maneuvering another individual into a position that makes them more isolated, dependent, likely to trust, and more vulnerable to abusive behavior. The grooming of victims, however, is a subject for another day. There is another level of understanding in relation to grooming that is necessary and equally important in most sexual assaults. This is the grooming directed at individuals other than the actual victim. Sexual predators don’t just groom their victim. They groom the victim's friends, their family, even their co-workers, in order to make everyone around them supporters of what they’re doing. Especially in cases of clergy or professional sexual assault, the victim’s environment has almost always been groomed prior to, during, and after the assault to ensure continued access to the victim and to minimize disclosure of the abuse. This grooming of the community also ensures that when the abuse is disclosed there will be support for the abuser, and a minimization of the consequences of his actions.

Sex offenders purposely attempt to manipulate the empathy of a community. If they can evoke empathy, they can manipulate trust and gain support. Lundy Bancroft, an expert in treating domestic abusers, explains that abusers often manipulate their environment so effectively that they gain allies within the legal system and even the victim’s families. If we are interacting with a sex offender who is admitting he has harmed someone, and we feel ourselves being pulled to feel sorry for this person instead of, or more than, the victim, it is likely that we ourselves have been manipulated and groomed.

Many well-intentioned people feel sympathy for an offender and even advocate for them with the victim and/or the victim's loved ones. They may remind victims that their abusers are created in God's image no matter what harm they have done, and that the Bible teaches forgiveness. It is worth remembering that any of us is as susceptible to being groomed as enablers as we are as victims.  

Recently Willow Creek Community Church issued a statement concerning the scandal involving church founder Bill Hybels, charging Hybels with “unchecked sin and intimidating behavior”. When allegations of sexual abuse first surfaced in 2018, Hybels called them “flat out lies” and the former board publicly supported him. They have all since resigned. The new elders board said in the statement that they believe that the former board was misled. “Bill’s denials and failure to acknowledge sinful, intimidating, and overly controlling behavior led leaders to make statements that were misinformed and incomplete,” they said. 
 
We wonder how the leadership of a church that has world-wide exposure and 25,000 people attending services at seven campuses could have been so inept as to react initially with such confusion and disbelief? Why did it take reports by the Chicago Tribune and Christianity Today to force the former elder board to look at allegations that had actually been surfacing for years, some dating back decades? (In fact when the information became public Willow Creek initially denied all the allegations and claimed former church members were colluding to ruin Hybel’s reputation and harm the church.) The answer, I believe, lies in the fact that the former elder board who had served under Bill Hybels’ leadership for years had been groomed and manipulated into an almost cult-like relationship with their leader.

A community that has been groomed methodically will explain away allegations of abuse by insisting that the accused "would never do something like that!" Quite simply, the offender has manipulated the community's perceptions so that he is not only accepted as an appropriate and valued part of the social structure of the group, but also a good "match" for the victim. The goal is to get the community to support and approve of a relationship between the victim and the offender. Properly groomed environments actually push the victim toward the offender. Grooming minimizes the chance that anyone will ask difficult questions and serves to keep the victim in relationship with the offender.

In their article, Sexual Assault Against Adults, Tanner and Brake list four factors in the grooming of a community: Position, Charm, Power, and Celebrity. Using these four will help to formulate important questions to ask in times of confusion. Typically a community finds it difficult to believe that someone who has held an important and trusted POSITION could be guilty of sexually abusing someone in their care. If there is an element of CHARM - a warm, caring personality; good verbal skills; good listening skills - the stakes are even higher. POWER is effectively used by offenders to suppress examination of their actions. CELEBRITY status often guarantees immunity because a community desires to maintain relationship with and access to someone who is popular.

Adult victims who have been groomed by a predator, and are members of a community that has been effectively manipulated and groomed, have almost no hope of understanding, let alone finding the courage to disclose the horrible and vile experience of clergy or professional sexual abuse.  


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December 04th, 2017

12/4/2017

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When my daughter, Kristal, and I decided to write her story of Clergy Sexual Abuse last December, we had no idea that our publishing date would end up coinciding with a sudden and sickening avalanche of stories of abuse at the hands of powerful and influential men.
We had pondered long and prayed much about telling the story. We sought the advice of Godly and trusted friends. And we felt sure of our calling. So we went to work.
The result is a book written for survivors and those who have been touched in some way by the abuse of a minister or priest. The book consists of eight chapters that tell Kristal's story, highlighting various aspects of Clergy Sexual Abuse. Each chapter includes supplementary material  to help readers understand the dynamics and devastation of Clergy Sexual Abuse.
I can assure you it's not easy to tell a story like this. It wasn't easy living through it, either. But what has been amazing to us is the number of people who have crossed our path in this last year who have their own stories of abuse. Over and over they have encouraged us to tell the story.
Our prayer is that this book will be a catalyst for hope and healing. Powerful and influential men who have abused their positions of trust in the church have too often gotten a pass from their denominational leadership. Young leaders going into the ministry often have had absolutely no training in this area.
Hopefully this book will be a tool  to start building fences at the top of the cliff instead of having to deal with the devastation at the bottom. Hopefully this book will be another voice that says, "Powerful men must be held accountable when they abuse the trust they have been given. Denominations must end the collusion and break the silence that protects them and destroys the victim."
Our hope is that you will read Broken and Beautiful and join us in shining the spotlight on this very important issue.

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To Sing Again

5/6/2015

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MyVoiceBack is adding a new dimension with today's guest blogger - a survivor of CSA. She is truly getting "her voice back" and here is her story in  her own words...

"I went to church today. And today I sat through the whole service without a panic attack. Even though this is not the church where the abuse and betrayal happened, I still found myself looking at the leadership and wondering if any of them are hiding secrets, if any of them are predators. I know the pastor and I think he can be trusted - but this is all new. Being in an actual church building with other people who claim to love Jesus - choosing to stand and engage in worship with these people feels like a new frontier of healing.

As the music began I stood with everyone, willing myself to not weep and just make it through. But I was unable to sing the lyrics. Worshiping at my piano has never been a struggle, but now I could only stand with one hand in my pocket and the other clenched tightly to my protector's hand. The warmth of his hand helped me focus on the present. This is today, not a year ago when my disclosure resulted in crushing betrayal and misrepresentation. This is today, not 5 years ago when I helped to lead worship in a church that I loved. This is today, not 15 years ago when I was young and blissfully unaware of what life could hold. Or how pastors could so brutally harm the people who trusted them.

Then they started singing a song I knew well...and the tears came. And as they made trails through my makeup I began to pray that Jesus would continue the deep healing that I know has already begun. I had a sense that today I was learning to worship again among a body of Jesus-lovers. And then I began to wonder who they really were. What stories of abuse and betrayal are carefully guarded and carried deep in hearts that can't risk being vulnerable because it just isn't safe?

Even though I know that most people cannot possible fathom the levels of betrayal that we've experienced, I also know that I can't pretend to have the corner on pain. So I guess I'll trust that if the Church is still God's plan A, that He is surrounding me with other broken worshipers.

And I'll go again next Sunday. And I'll start looking for that one person who needs to hear my story. And someday we'll begin to sing again."

 
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Where's the hashtag for Clergy Sexual Abuse?

11/5/2014

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WHY SO MANY WOMEN ARE STEPPING FORWARD WITH STORIES OF SEXUAL ASSAULT NOW

(This blog is a reprint from Tori Floyd of The Daily Brew. Since this website speaks primarily to the issue of Clergy Sexual Misconduct it may be helpful as you read it to review the definition of CONSENT as listed in section 273.1 of the criminal code of Canada:


(2) No consent is obtained, for the purposes of sections 271, 272 and 273, where

(a) the agreement is expressed by the words or conduct of a person other than the complainant;

(b) the complainant is incapable of consenting to the activity;

(c) the accused induces the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority;

(d) the complainant expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to engage in the activity; or

(e) the complainant, having consented to engage in sexual activity, expresses, by words or conduct, a lack of agreement to continue to engage in the activity.

(c) the accused induces the complainant to engage in the activity by abusing a position of trust, power or authority.)

Tori Floyd

For over a week now, Twitter feeds and Facebook walls have been flooded with the latest in the ongoing saga of Jian Ghomeshi and the women he allegedly assaulted. Since the Toronto Star published a story on Oct. 26 with accusations from three women that Ghomeshi had assaulted them, several more, both named and anonymously, have stepped forwards with their own allegations. That in turn has been followed by a deluge of women who have shared their own, unrelated stories of assault.

In the wake of the scandal, hashtags like #BeenRapedNeverReported have appeared online, with thousands of women sharing their own, often heartbreaking accounts of sexual assault that have never been taken to the police.

But why now? Why did it take the firing and ostracizing of Jian Ghomeshi to prompt so many women to come forward with their own stories?

The question is understandably a complex one, and in reality, the Ghomeshi scandal came at a time when the sexual assault of women is a particularly charged issue, in light of several high-profile stories currently in the media.

You could say it started back in September, when Columbia University student Emma Sulkowicz got international media coverage for her performance art project, in which she carries a mattress around with her on campus until her accused rapist is expelled from the school.

Or you could say the story started back in August, with the rise of GamerGate, a convoluted series of events rooted in the gaming community, but what has ultimately amounted to the online harassment of women involved with gaming and technology, including actress Felicia Day.

Or maybe it started in April 2013, with the death of Rehtaeh Parsons, who took her own life after months of online harassment when photos of her sexual assault were circulated amongst her peers. Maybe it was as far back as the Steubenville High School rape case in the U.S., the high profile sexual assault of a teen by four football players while the victim was unconscious.

Regardless of when it started, it seems that the Ghomeshi scandal was the crack in the dam that finally gave way, and saw the flood of women (and men) with their own stories of sexual assault gush forth.

For women like Bex vanKoot, a Canadian freelance lifestyle writer who shared her own story of sexual assault using the #BeenRapedNeverReported hashtag, it was a framing of the issue of sexual assault that resonated with her own experiences.

“It was the events of the past week or so that led me to accept the fact that I have been assaulted more times than I can count,” vanKoot told Yahoo Canada News in an email exchange.

“I always felt hesitant to call myself a survivor, because I thought it would somehow diminish the experiences of the women I know who have experienced greater violence and trauma. Admitting my experiences to myself opened something up in me and I knew that I needed to share that in solidarity and for my own healing.”

And like vanKoot, the allegations against Ghomeshi changed for a lot of people not only their understanding of what a sexual predator is, but also what sexual assault looks like.

Fitting the myth

According to Dr. Janice Du Mont, a scientist at Women’s College Research Institute in Toronto and expert on gender-based violence research, there’s a stigma that exists about what a sexual assault is, and who the assailant may be. If women don’t think their experience fits into they're preconceived notion of what sexual assault is, they’re less likely to come forward.

“There’s still a lot of skepticism about women who report sexual assault,” Du Mont said in a phone interview. “It’s related to those entrenched negative stereotypes about women who are sexually assaulted. This notion that the rape victim should be this virginal young girl and the rapist is an attacker with a knife in the bushes.”

She says that women who don’t fit that myth often start identifying ways that they put themselves in the situation, blaming themselves for wearing the wrong thing, drinking too much, or acting a certain way. And if they don’t think those things, others are often quick to lay the blame for them.

vanKoot says she was braced for that kind of backlash when she shared her experience online.

“The morning after the initial postings, there were reports from other women that men’s rights activists and other apologist trolls were harassing on the thread, but I only received one response from a man who insisted that I hadn’t identified my experiences as assault because ‘it probably wasn’t rape.’”

Safety in numbers

One of the greatest strengths of the #BeenRapedNeverReported hashtag and the general climate of encouragement and support that has blossomed online is the sheer number of people who are now participating. For many women, seeing so many others coming forward with their stories is what motivated them to come forward.

Nicole Pietsch, Coordinator at the Ontario Coalition of Rape Crisis Centres, says that so often, women don’t seek help because they’re afraid of not being taken seriously.

“The Ghomeshi case is awful, but it’s created a safer space and [these women are] being validated,” Pietsch said to Yahoo Canada News.

She says that she has often seen women inspired to share their own sexual assault experiences once one or two people have shared theirs first.

“It happens all the time. At Take Back the Night events, if one survivor shares her story, other women come forward and share their experience, too. Same thing happens with group counseling.”

Dr. Du Mont says she has seen the same phenomenon.

“When one shares an experience and others recognize it’s common to their experience, people realize they’re not alone,” Du Mont said.

“Hearing others’ stories help you better understand your own.”

Why women choose not to speak up

When the Ghomeshi story in the Star broke, one of the earliest criticisms was that these women chose to come forward anonymously, with some commenters suggesting that it wasn’t fair these women could call out Ghomeshi by name if they weren’t willing to use their names, too.

There have since been two women, Lucy DeCoutere and Reva Seth, who have spoken out against Ghomeshi without anonymity, but that doesn’t diminish the experiences of the women who didn’t want to put their names to their stories.

The reality is there are still plenty of reasons why victims of sexual assault choose to stay silent.

“Women who won’t disclose shouldn’t be blamed, since reporting sexual assault is so often a negative experience," said Du Mont.

“If we want women to continue to come forward, we need to improve the experience, including with the criminal justice system.”

Du Mont cites a study she contributed to that studied sexual assault convictions in Canada, and she found that less than half of all sexual assaults are reported to the police, and of those that were reported, only 25-30 per cent resulted in a guilty verdict for the accused. Even then, when there is a guilty verdict, it often isn’t for the sexual assault, and is instead for a lesser charge.

The formal processes and the reliance on the victim proving their story with physical evidence is also a stressful experience for those who choose to come forward. As with the accusations made in the Ghomeshi case, many of these incidents happen without anyone else around, putting the onus on the victim to defend their story.

“It’s common for women not to talk about it right after,” Pietsch said. “Sexual assault centres often get calls about assaults that happened days, weeks or even months after it happened. Women want to get up the next morning, and often go on with their lives, not think about it.”

For those who do want to seek confidential and free help following a sexual assault, they can connect with resources by visiting sexualassaultsupport.ca.

And for those who are not yet ready to share their stories, there are still allies out there. vanKoot said that the most rewarding part about participating the hashtag campaign was the outpouring of support from those who shared her experience, but weren't yet prepared to share theirs.

“It was so encouraging that the vast majority of responses were from others who perhaps weren’t able to share openly about their own experiences, but who felt I had somehow given a voice to their own struggles by speaking openly about my own.”

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THE FACE OF COURAGE

10/12/2014

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For me Courage has a face – in fact, Courage has many faces – some I claim as family, and many I call friends. Courage is the face of a man who chooses to stand beside women whom other men have tried to destroy. It is the face of fathers defending their daughters. The face of husbands standing in covenant faithfulness beside their wives and families.  And it is the face of many others over the years who have stood in the gap to protect the vulnerable against the sins of pornography, sexual abuse, and exploitation.

In the midst of one of the most painful moments of my life, when it seemed like the face of betrayal was all I could see, I heard something…It was faint but grew with each passing day. It was the sound of sabers rattling, the sound of soldiers strapping on the belt of Truth and the breastplate of Righteousness. The shield of Faith being lifted high! And then I saw once more what I had become blind to: a mighty army mobilizing as God continues to pour His Spirit into the hearts of men who have a passion to take up the fight for purity and holiness. Aslan is on the move!

Often this war has been waged by women whose hearts have been drawn to the broken and wounded. But today men with courageous hearts are answering the call to go to the place where the battle rages most ferociously - and be willing to die. We stand together side by side.

Courage does have a face - and COURAGE has a name. It bears the name of Truth and Justice and Righteousness. Truth is ever and always the thing Satan and his hosts fear the most. Because Truth based on covenant faithfulness serves notice to all the demons of hell that it will not tolerate darkness.

Truth is costly. It is often scoffed at and ridiculed. Those who stand for Truth will, at times be persecuted and bullied and killed. But for the vulnerable in our cities and on our streets who have been broken on the wheels of exploitation and greed Truth based on Covenant Faithfulness is the very hand of God. Truth is the vehicle through which healing and hope can restore a voice that was silenced and fill it with praise!

Truth always brings freedom. And this is the amazing thing about Truth. It will fully free both the one who has perpetrated the evil and the one against whom evil has been perpetrated! “You will know the truth,” said Jesus, “and the truth will set you free!” Truth sets us free because JESUS IS THE TRUTH.

There’s an interesting letter in the second chapter of Revelation. It is a message from the One who has a sharp two-edged sword. He says, “I know that you live in the city where that great throne of Satan is located, and yet you have remained loyal to me…And yet I have a few complaints against you. You tolerate some among you who are like Balaam, who showed Balak how to trip up the people of Israel. He taught them to worship idols by eating food offered to idols and by committing sexual sins.”

We may live in different places, but one thing is sure: Satan will try to set up his throne anywhere he can. And one of the ways we can gauge his success is by measuring the degree to which sexual sin and perversion is tolerated and perpetuated.

This letter in Revelation ends with an amazing promise to those who repent and take up the battle against evil: “Everyone who is victorious … (will be given) a white stone, and on the stone will be engraved A NEW NAME that no one knows except the one who receives it.” As we take up the armor of God to do battle to fight for holiness and purity and justice and truth, the Father Himself is preparing a medal of honor to give us some day. And what a glorious moment for each soldier, tired and worn from the battle, to receive from the very hand of his or her Commander-in-Chief a reward that is priceless and eternal!

“What this dying world could use is a willing man of God Who dares to go against the grain and work without applause;
A man who’ll raise the shield of faith, protecting what is pure; Whose love is tough and gentle, A man whose word is sure.
God doesn’t need an orator who knows just what to say; He doesn’t need authorities to reason Him away.
He doesn’t need an army to guarantee a win. He just needs a few good men.

Men full of compassion who laugh and love and cry; Men who face eternity and aren’t afraid to die.
Men who’ll fight for freedom and honor once again. He just needs a few good men.


He calls the broken derelict whose life has been renewed; He calls the one who has the strength to standup for the truth.
Enlistment lines are open and he wants you to come in…He just needs a few good men.

Men full of compassion who laugh and love and cry; Men who face eternity and aren’t afraid to die.Men who’ll fight for freedom and honor once again. He just needs a few good men.” (Gaither Vocal Band, "A Few Good Men")
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Understanding Power

9/17/2014

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In order to understand sexual abuse by a church leader or caregiver we need an understanding of power. Power is an issue that many of us do not understand. The church has often been reluctant to examine it or to make the changes which a clearer understanding would require.

Webster's Dictionary defines power as the "possession of control, authority, or influence over others; the ability to act or produce an effect." The Center for the Prevention of Sexual and Domestic Violence speaks of power as command of resources. Most of us have a certain amount of power as a result of any of a number of factors: class, knowledge or information, employment position, creativity, relationships, finances, personal charisma, gender, race, physical size, church role, or spirituality. The crucial distinction that needs to be made is whether that power is being used creatively or destructively.

Richard Foster speaks of  creative power, saying that it is "the power that creates, gives life and joy and peace. It is freedom and not bondage, life and not death, transformation and not coercion. The power that creates restores relationship and gives the gift of wholeness to all." When power is used creatively it restores relationships, liberates those who are oppressed, brings inner and outer healing, nurtures confidence, enhances communication, and inspires faith. We all need power in some aspect of our lives. Without power a person feels inadequate, out of control, and lost. Having power gives us a means of making changes in our lives and in our society.

Power can also be used destructively or to hurt. Sexual abuse by a church leader or caregiver is one of the ways in which power becomes destructive. Abuse occurs when there is an imbalance of power and where persons with greater power misuse their power to their own benefit and the detriment of another. In situations of sexual abuse within the church the abusing leader has greater power than the victim, usually in several areas such as gender, leadership position or office, physical size, education, economic and ecclesiastical power. In the church, leaders have enormous power because they are perceived by some to be God's representative. The perpetrator may also have the power of information because church leaders are often privy to information that is shared with very few others.

While perpetrators of abuse have more power than their victims, they sometimes do not feel powerful and most refuse to acknowledge their power. In fact  they frequently feel inadequate, overworked, unsupported, ineffective, and powerless (that is, not in control). Therefore, the notion of pastoral power may not be something with which they readily identify. Additionally, within church communities which emphasize the "priesthood of all believers" there is less permission to formally recognize power differentials within the church. The appearance of humility may also be an unacknowledged power, as it has the effect of silencing any criticism and increasing a leader's power. This inability to identify the power difference is dangerous; when pastors have difficulty acknowledging their power they stand in greater danger of abusing it.

A power imbalance is easily sexualized or eroticized. Carolyn Holderread Heggen notes that "The imbalance of power between men and women has become eroticized in our culture. Many persons find male power and female powerlessness sexually arousing. In general, men are sexually attracted to females who are younger, smaller, and less powerful than themselves. Women tend to be attracted to males who are older, larger, and more powerful. Male clergy have a great imbalance of power over their congregations, which are often predominately women, therefore, the stage is set for a sexually inapproprate expression of this power differential." Peter Rutter adds that "because men so often control a woman's future - and her physical, psychological, spiritual, economic or intellectual well-being - the mere presence of sexual innuendo from a man who has power over her can determine whether she experiences her femininity as a force to be valued and respected or as a commodity to be exploited."

In other instances, misuses of power can be sexualized in situations that begin as mentoring. This could happen in the case of an older man or woman taking an interest in a younger person of either sex for the purpose of encouraging that youth's development. A youth activity that begins as play can become a context for misusing power and authority when the youth leader does not understand that they have power by virtue of their difference in age and authority.

Because of the power imbalance, the leader always has the responsibility to protect the boundaries of the relationship. The person with the greater power must act in the best interests of the person with lesser power. This holds true even when the person with less power makes sexualizewd advances. A person in leadership is the keeper of a trust and, as such, is responsible to ensure that no sexualized behaviour occurs, no matter what the level of provocation or apparent consent. (Peter Rutter)
 
This article was written by Heather Block as part of the Advocacy Training Manual - Advocating for Survivors of Sexual Abuse by a Church Leader or Caregiver. Published by the Mennonite Central Committee Canada Women's Concerns. 1996,2000. Used by permission.
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Truth Sets Us FREE!

9/8/2014

3 Comments

 
Several years ago we took some friends who were visiting with us to Six Flags, an amusement park just north of Chicago. Things were going well until, in a moment of insanity, I agreed to ride the Iron Wolf with them. I was strapped in and off we went. I can now truly say that it is far worse than it looks! Around and around I spun, totally out of control, hardly able to breathe, and convinced I would die.  I remember frantically praying to God to get me off and promising that if He did get me off, I would never be so stupid as to get on again!

I just counted up the number of visitors to this site and as of this moment we stand at a little over 3,000 since August 17th. I feel like I am on the Iron Wolf again! However, this time I know that Someone is in control and I will trust Him. I wish that the ride would go smoothly but this kind never does. I wish that we could all come together to take an honest look at the problem of Clergy Sexual Abuse, but that seems to be harder than I first thought. I wish we already had a Trauma Team in place for the western provinces, but that will take time.

Wishes will not get the job done. Truth will be the catalyst for change - if enough people are committed to the truth.  John Piper has written, "Not to care about truth is not to care about God. To love God passionately is to love truth passionately...Indifference to the truth is a mark of spiritual death."
  So what do we know that is TRUE?

1. The issue of Clergy Sexual Abuse or Misconduct is not going to disappear. In spite of our efforts to ignore it or cover it up, it has been around for a long time and will remain as long as there are flawed humans on earth.
2. Churches need to familiarize themselves with legal issues including Fiduciary Responsibility.
The legal system in Canada "recognizes a multitude of special relationships in which one party is required to look after the best interests of the other in an exemplary manner. These relationships, which include solicitor/client, physician/patient, priest/parishioner, parent/child, partner/partner, director/corporation and principle/agent, are called fiduciary relationships."  Canadian courts have articulated a set of guidelines to determine whether fiduciary obligations arise from specific relationships. Churches would do well to become familiar with them.
3. Seminaries and Christian Colleges must begin to include teaching on this issue in their Ethics classes.
4. Denominations must follow the lead of some who insist that newly-installed pastors receive training in how to establish and maintain healthy ministry boundaries. This will mean the creation of forums where open dialogue and honest questions can be addressed.

But most important of all is the TRUTH that shame and secrecy are not the final word. The One who said, "I have come that
(you) may have LIFE, and have it in abundance," is God's final Word of redemption and healing and life! And on that I believe we all agree.
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She Could Have Walked Away...

8/27/2014

26 Comments

 
That's what they told her. "You could have walked away." Roughly translated, her denominational leadership was telling her that regardless of the grooming that had occurred, regardless of the fact that other women had also been targeted by this particular minister, she was to blame. She was responsible because she hadn't "walked away".

Diana Garland has written, "The reality of clergy sexual abuse of adults, usually women, is breaking on congregations and church denominations. It is a more difficult issue to understand than the abuse of children because there is the assumption that if both are adults and there is no physical coercion, then the relationship is consensual. In fact, however, when persons with power—social workers, counselors, pastors, seminary professors and administrators, pastoral and clinical supervisors, and religious employers—attempt to seduce into sexual relationships those over whom they have power, the relationship is not consensual."

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? That's the first question
that is so difficult to wrap our heads around. In reality, the process used by the offender is the same in every situation. Here's what Diana Garland says:

“Grooming” is a process whereby the religious leader breaks down a woman’s defenses, making her feel special, perhaps pointing out her spiritual gifts, or in other ways using his position as a religious leader to develop a close relationship and isolate her from others. He uses personal warmth to obscure what his true intention is. According to Patrick Carnes, some of the ways this warmth is expressed include: expressing admiration, caring, and concern; indicating that he looks forward to a long-term relationship with her; making affectionate gestures and touching; talking about a shared project; complimenting and sharing personally in ways that are inappropriate for a relationship between a religious leader and parishioner, student, or employee (Carnes, 1997). He co-opts religious and spiritual language into an agenda designed to meet his own needs. It is a gradual and subtle process, and one that has extraordinary power, desensitizing her to increasingly inappropriate behavior while rewarding the victim for tolerance of that behavior."

Unfortunately, unless there is a correct understanding of this issue and an established plan of action, the easiest and usual choice of action
on the part of denominational leaders is to label the situation as an affair, "Two people who simply fell in love." This is a misdiagnosis of convenience. It maintains distance, it's black and white, and it lacks the power to bring redemption and healing.

SHE MUST HAVE KNOWN WHAT WAS GOING ON!  This may be our next reaction and again, a legitimate question. Most times the victim senses something is not quite right, but it is a relationship she has been taught to trust—he is a spiritual leader, after all—so she allows him to say and do things she would not allow a man to do in a normal friendship. However this makes her feel more and more anxious, and as Patrick Carnes points out, "Anxiety escalates physiological sexual attraction and arousal (Carnes, 1997), therefore intensifying the bond between them."

The victim is now in a relationship which was originally set up and is sanctioned by the church. It is clearly understood that in order for the relationship to be successful, whether it is a counselling relationship or any kind of mentoring, there will have to be trust and openness. This provides easy access to intimate settings under profoundly intimate circumstances. “Even a woman with a firm sense of boundaries in other kinds of relationships may well stop guarding them so that her core may be seen and known by this man” (Flynn, 2003, p. 19). He has socially sanctioned and preconditioned access to her very soul (Liberty, 2001).

A victim becomes bonded to her perpetrator. Carnes defines “betrayal bonds,” as the strong attachment of a victim to someone who is destructive to him or her (1997). De Young and Lowry define trauma bonding as the emotional dependency between two persons of unequal power. “The nature of this bond is distinguished by feelings of intense attachment, cognitive distortions, and behavioral strategies of both individuals that paradoxically strengthen and maintain the bond” (De Young & Lowry, 1992, p. 165). In clergy sexual abuse, like incest, the perpetrators exploit their power over those who are most vulnerable."

AND WHAT HAPPENS TO THE VICTIM? This is the question many people are afraid to ask.
And as long as we continue to cross over on the other side; as long as we draw our robes around us so we can remain untouched, we will not have to be affected by the self-blame and the shame and the confusion that victims experience. We will not have to ponder the deep sense of betrayal that causes many to leave the church. And perhaps, for awhile at least, we will be able to keep pretending this issue simply doesn't exist.

Clergy Sexual Abuse hurts. It hurts victims, it hurts the church, it hurts the perpetrator, it hurts the families most closely associated, and it hurts
the heart of the Father.

(Some material borrowed from When Wolves Wear Shepherds' Clothing
: Helping Women Survive Clergy Sexual Abuse, Diana R. Garland. Social Work and Christianity International Journal - Spring 2006. Volume 33, Number 1)
 
26 Comments

CLERGY ABUSE FAQS

8/21/2014

1 Comment

 

The material for this blog is kindly being made available by the FAITHTRUST Institute. For more information please visit their website at www.faithtrustinstitute.org.

What is sexual abuse within the ministerial relationship?


Sexual abuse happens when someone in a ministerial role (clergy, religious or lay) engages in sexual contact or sexualized behavior with a congregant, employee, student or counseling client in the ministerial relationship.

Sexual abuse can include physical contact from the person in the ministerial role, such as:
  • Sexual touch and "accidental" touch of sexual areas of the body
  • Tickling and playful aggression that seem uncomfortable to you
  • A prolonged hug when a brief hug is customary behavior
  • Kissing on the lips when a kiss on the cheek would be appropriate
  • Pressing up against your body when hugging
  • An inappropriate gift from your religious leader (such as lingerie)
  • Sexual intercourse with your religious leader
Sexual abuse can also include verbal behavior initiated by a person in a ministerial role when such behavior sexualizes a relationship. Examples include:
  • Innuendo or sexual talk
  • Suggestive comments
  • Tales of his or her sexual exploits or experiences
  • Questions about the intimate details of your relationships
  • Looking for sympathy about his or her partner's sexual inadequacies

Why is it wrong?


Sexual contact or sexualized behavior within the ministerial relationship is a violation of professional ethics. There is a difference in power between a person in a ministerial role and a member of his or her congregation or a counselee. Because of this difference in power, you cannot give meaningful consent to the sexual relationship.

Individuals usually seek counseling or support from their religious leader at times of stress or crisis. During these times, you are emotionally vulnerable and can be taken advantage of by a religious leader.

Is sexual contact between a religious leader and me ever okay?

Meaningful consent can occur when two people are relatively equal in power and when fear, coercion or manipulation is completely absent from their relationship. Clergy who are seeking a romantic relationship can do so outside their own congregations. If a religious leader becomes interested in dating or romance with a member of his or her congregation (though this is complicated and not advisable), the clergyperson must remove him/herself from a ministerial role in that person's life before ethically pursuing a relationship of this nature.

Questions that need to be asked to evaluate if it is possible to pursue this type of romantic relationship include:
  • Was the ministerial relationship minimal in nature (no counseling involved)?
  • Is the religious leader willing to remove him or herself from the ministerial relationship?
  • Is the religious leader willing to be open about the relationship with the congregation?

How do some religious leaders justify their sexual abuse?

Religious leaders are reported to have justified their boundary-crossing behavior in these ways:
  • "But he said that love can never be wrong; that God had brought us together."
  • "He said we should sin boldly so that grace might abound."
  • "She said that ministry was mutual and our relationship was mutual. So she shared her problems with me and the sex followed from that."
  • "I was learning about God for the first time. He took me seriously. I went along with the sex so that I could continue to learn from him."

How do I know if my boundaries have been crossed?

Your boundaries have been crossed if:
  • You feel uncomfortable and confused with the interaction even if you are initially flattered.
  • You are receiving unusual time and attention from the religious leader.
  • You are receiving personal gifts from the religious leader.
  • When you meet with the religious leader for counseling, you end up talking more about his or her problems than about yours.
  • The religious leader is inviting you out for intimate, social occasions.
  • The religious leader touches you in a way that you find confusing, uncomfortable or upsetting.
  • The religious leader gives you theological rationale for questionable conduct, e.g. "God has brought us together."

What should I do if I am sexually attracted to my religious leader?

There is nothing wrong with you or your feelings. Your religious leader may be a very attractive, sensitive, caring person. Should you choose to share your feelings of attraction with your religious leader, it is his or her professional responsibility to help you to understand that to preserve the integrity of the ministerial relationship, he or she cannot reciprocate your interest in an intimate relationship.

What should I do if I believe I am a victim of sexual abuse by a religious leader?

If you believe you, or someone else, is a victim of sexual abuse by a religious leader:

  • Pay attention to your feelings and trust yourself.
  • Share your confusion, fear or anxiety with someone you trust.
  • Remember that you are not to blame, even if you agreed to the relationship in the beginning.
  • Find out if your congregation, synod, conference, etc. has a specific policy and procedure for dealing with complaints about clergy misconduct. Use that process to make a complaint.
  • Find an advocate who understands church or synagogue systems; rely on him or her for guidance and support.
  • Remember that you might not be the only person to whom this has happened and that your action can help both yourself and others.
  • If a child has been sexually abused by someone in a ministerial role, make an immediate report to a law enforcement agency in your community.
  • If you wish to make a complaint against a pastoral counselor, find out if he or she is a member of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors. Make the complaint there as well as to the church or synagogue.

How can I help my church or synagogue prepare for the possibility of sexual abuse by clergy?

Your congregation, synod, conference, etc. will benefit from examining the issue of sexual abuse within the ministerial relationship. You may wish to pose these questions as a way of helping your church or synagogue develop a compassionate and just system of responding to the potential problem of sexual abuse by clergy:

  • Does your church or synagogue have a policy and procedure for responding to sexual abuse or other violations of professional ethics within the ministerial relationship?
  • Is the policy widely disseminated to clergy and members of the congregation?
  • Has training on the issue been made available to members of the congregation and clergy?
- See more at: http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/learn-the-basics/ce-faqs#sthash.4olSA926.dpuf
1 Comment

Break The Silence!

8/19/2014

12 Comments

 
 We have a problem in churches across Canada that must be addressed. The problem is systemic in nature and despite the best efforts of those systems to ignore it or say it doesn't exist, it's a problem that won't go away.
It's the problem of Clergy Sexual Misconduct. A "problem" that shames its victims into silence and systematically takes away their voice.
Although there have been some denominations with the courage to name the problem and provide healing for victims, there is much more work to be done. For example, simply developing a protocol to deal with this horrendous issue is not enough. EVERY CHURCH must be
come a place that is safe for women. We must stand with victims and say, "We believe you!" We must give them back their voice. We must say in advance, "We will not ignore or diminish your pain, and here is how we will come alongside to provide healing."

The purpose of this website is twofold:
1) To provide INFORMATION about Clergy Sexual Misconduct. "Accurately naming the behavior is an important step to reshaping our thinking about this troubling reality in the church, and how we name it reveals our belief about it. Holding clergy accountable with compassion and purpose and providing healing resources to churches and survivors is dependent upon an accurate starting point. Only when we name the behavior accurately can we hope to have a healing outcome for all involved."
As Beth Ann Gaede states in the preface to When A Congregation is Betrayed, Clergy Sexual Misconduct is NOT a matter of a a "relationship" gone awry but an abuse of power. 
It is vitally important for leaders in the church who care about the congregation to become educated about this subject. Sadly, however, the opposite is often true. "For some reason, perhaps because of denial, many churchleaders try to do this difficult work (of dealing with CSM) without preparation and without asking for outside assistance. If people without training or guidance try to respond, the outcome can be disastrous. One of the entities that will pay dearly for a lack of preparation for dealing with clergy betrayal will be the congregation."
(When a Congregation is Betrayed, p.4) And the cost to the victims can hardly be comprehended.
Please use the RESOURCES tab above to find websites, articles, books and personal stories.

2)
To create INCENTIVE for denominations and churches to develop policies and practices that will ensure that churches become safe places not only for children, but also for women and other vulnerable people. Does YOUR church or denomination have a policy to deal immediately and compassionately with Clergy Sexual Misconduct? Is it readily available to everyone in the congregation? Do you know that your church is a safe place instead of another "good-old-boys club"?
Please use the DENOMINATIONAL POLICIES tab above to see which churches have policies in place.

Perhaps this website can be a starting point for people who "love justice and righteousness" to
come together to reflect the heart of God in dealing with this very important problem.



12 Comments

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