MyVoiceBack is adding a new dimension with today's guest blogger - a survivor of CSA. She is truly getting "her voice back" and here is her story in her own words...
"I went to church today. And today I sat through the whole service without a panic attack. Even though this is not the church where the abuse and betrayal happened, I still found myself looking at the leadership and wondering if any of them are hiding secrets, if any of them are predators. I know the pastor and I think he can be trusted - but this is all new. Being in an actual church building with other people who claim to love Jesus - choosing to stand and engage in worship with these people feels like a new frontier of healing.
As the music began I stood with everyone, willing myself to not weep and just make it through. But I was unable to sing the lyrics. Worshiping at my piano has never been a struggle, but now I could only stand with one hand in my pocket and the other clenched tightly to my protector's hand. The warmth of his hand helped me focus on the present. This is today, not a year ago when my disclosure resulted in crushing betrayal and misrepresentation. This is today, not 5 years ago when I helped to lead worship in a church that I loved. This is today, not 15 years ago when I was young and blissfully unaware of what life could hold. Or how pastors could so brutally harm the people who trusted them.
Then they started singing a song I knew well...and the tears came. And as they made trails through my makeup I began to pray that Jesus would continue the deep healing that I know has already begun. I had a sense that today I was learning to worship again among a body of Jesus-lovers. And then I began to wonder who they really were. What stories of abuse and betrayal are carefully guarded and carried deep in hearts that can't risk being vulnerable because it just isn't safe?
Even though I know that most people cannot possible fathom the levels of betrayal that we've experienced, I also know that I can't pretend to have the corner on pain. So I guess I'll trust that if the Church is still God's plan A, that He is surrounding me with other broken worshipers.
And I'll go again next Sunday. And I'll start looking for that one person who needs to hear my story. And someday we'll begin to sing again."
"I went to church today. And today I sat through the whole service without a panic attack. Even though this is not the church where the abuse and betrayal happened, I still found myself looking at the leadership and wondering if any of them are hiding secrets, if any of them are predators. I know the pastor and I think he can be trusted - but this is all new. Being in an actual church building with other people who claim to love Jesus - choosing to stand and engage in worship with these people feels like a new frontier of healing.
As the music began I stood with everyone, willing myself to not weep and just make it through. But I was unable to sing the lyrics. Worshiping at my piano has never been a struggle, but now I could only stand with one hand in my pocket and the other clenched tightly to my protector's hand. The warmth of his hand helped me focus on the present. This is today, not a year ago when my disclosure resulted in crushing betrayal and misrepresentation. This is today, not 5 years ago when I helped to lead worship in a church that I loved. This is today, not 15 years ago when I was young and blissfully unaware of what life could hold. Or how pastors could so brutally harm the people who trusted them.
Then they started singing a song I knew well...and the tears came. And as they made trails through my makeup I began to pray that Jesus would continue the deep healing that I know has already begun. I had a sense that today I was learning to worship again among a body of Jesus-lovers. And then I began to wonder who they really were. What stories of abuse and betrayal are carefully guarded and carried deep in hearts that can't risk being vulnerable because it just isn't safe?
Even though I know that most people cannot possible fathom the levels of betrayal that we've experienced, I also know that I can't pretend to have the corner on pain. So I guess I'll trust that if the Church is still God's plan A, that He is surrounding me with other broken worshipers.
And I'll go again next Sunday. And I'll start looking for that one person who needs to hear my story. And someday we'll begin to sing again."