That's what they told her. "You could have walked away." Roughly translated, her denominational leadership was telling her that regardless of the grooming that had occurred, regardless of the fact that other women had also been targeted by this particular minister, she was to blame. She was responsible because she hadn't "walked away".

Diana Garland has written, "The reality of clergy sexual abuse of adults, usually women, is breaking on congregations and church denominations. It is a more difficult issue to understand than the abuse of children because there is the assumption that if both are adults and there is no physical coercion, then the relationship is consensual. In fact, however, when persons with power—social workers, counselors, pastors, seminary professors and administrators, pastoral and clinical supervisors, and religious employers—attempt to seduce into sexual relationships those over whom they have power, the relationship is not consensual."

HOW COULD THIS HAPPEN? That's the first question that is so difficult to wrap our heads around. In reality, the process used by the offender is the same in every situation. Here's what Diana Garland says:

“Grooming” is a process whereby the religious leader breaks down a woman’s defenses, making her feel special, perhaps pointing out her spiritual gifts, or in other ways using his position as a religious leader to develop a close relationship and isolate her from others. He uses personal warmth to obscure what his true intention is. According to Patrick Carnes, some of the ways this warmth is expressed include: expressing admiration, caring, and concern; indicating that he looks forward to a long-term relationship with her; making affectionate gestures and touching; talking about a shared project; complimenting and sharing personally in ways that are inappropriate for a relationship between a religious leader and parishioner, student, or employee (Carnes, 1997). He co-opts religious and spiritual language into an agenda designed to meet his own needs. It is a gradual and subtle process, and one that has extraordinary power, desensitizing her to increasingly inappropriate behavior while rewarding the victim for tolerance of that behavior."

Unfortunately, unless there is a correct understanding of this issue and an established plan of action, the easiest and usual choice of action on the part of denominational leaders is to label the situation as an affair, "Two people who simply fell in love." This is a misdiagnosis of convenience. It maintains distance, it's black and white, and it lacks the power to bring redemption and healing.

SHE MUST HAVE KNOWN WHAT WAS GOING ON!  This may be our next reaction and again, a legitimate question. Most times the victim senses something is not quite right, but it is a relationship she has been taught to trust—he is a spiritual leader, after all—so she allows him to say and do things she would not allow a man to do in a normal friendship. However this makes her feel more and more anxious, and as Patrick Carnes points out, "Anxiety escalates physiological sexual attraction and arousal (Carnes, 1997), therefore intensifying the bond between them."

The victim is now in a relationship which was originally set up and is sanctioned by the church. It is clearly understood that in order for the relationship to be successful, whether it is a counselling relationship or any kind of mentoring, there will have to be trust and openness. This provides easy access to intimate settings under profoundly intimate circumstances. “Even a woman with a firm sense of boundaries in other kinds of relationships may well stop guarding them so that her core may be seen and known by this man” (Flynn, 2003, p. 19). He has socially sanctioned and preconditioned access to her very soul (Liberty, 2001).

A victim becomes bonded to her perpetrator. Carnes defines “betrayal bonds,” as the strong attachment of a victim to someone who is destructive to him or her (1997). De Young and Lowry define trauma bonding as the emotional dependency between two persons of unequal power. “The nature of this bond is distinguished by feelings of intense attachment, cognitive distortions, and behavioral strategies of both individuals that paradoxically strengthen and maintain the bond” (De Young & Lowry, 1992, p. 165). In clergy sexual abuse, like incest, the perpetrators exploit their power over those who are most vulnerable."

AND WHAT HAPPENS TO THE VICTIM? This is the question many people are afraid to ask. And as long as we continue to cross over on the other side; as long as we draw our robes around us so we can remain untouched, we will not have to be affected by the self-blame and the shame and the confusion that victims experience. We will not have to ponder the deep sense of betrayal that causes many to leave the church. And perhaps, for awhile at least, we will be able to keep pretending this issue simply doesn't exist.

Clergy Sexual Abuse hurts. It hurts victims, it hurts the church, it hurts the perpetrator, it hurts the families most closely associated, and it hurts the heart of the Father.

(Some material borrowed from When Wolves Wear Shepherds' Clothing: Helping Women Survive Clergy Sexual Abuse, Diana R. Garland. Social Work and Christianity International Journal - Spring 2006. Volume 33, Number 1)
 

The material for this blog is kindly being made available by the FAITHTRUST Institute. For more information please visit their website at www.faithtrustinstitute.org.

What is sexual abuse within the ministerial relationship?

Sexual abuse happens when someone in a ministerial role (clergy, religious or lay) engages in sexual contact or sexualized behavior with a congregant, employee, student or counseling client in the ministerial relationship.

Sexual abuse can include physical contact from the person in the ministerial role, such as:

• Sexual touch and "accidental" touch of sexual areas of the body
• Tickling and playful aggression that seem uncomfortable to you
• A prolonged hug when a brief hug is customary behavior
• Kissing on the lips when a kiss on the cheek would be appropriate
• Pressing up against your body when hugging
• An inappropriate gift from your religious leader (such as lingerie)
• Sexual intercourse with your religious leader

Sexual abuse can also include verbal behavior initiated by a person in a ministerial role when such behavior sexualizes a relationship. Examples include:

• Innuendo or sexual talk
• Suggestive comments
• Tales of his or her sexual exploits or experiences
• Questions about the intimate details of your relationships
• Looking for sympathy about his or her partner's sexual inadequacies

Why is it wrong?

Sexual contact or sexualized behavior within the ministerial relationship is a violation of professional ethics. There is a difference in power between a person in a ministerial role and a member of his or her congregation or a counselee. Because of this difference in power, you cannot give meaningful consent to the sexual relationship.

Individuals usually seek counseling or support from their religious leader at times of stress or crisis. During these times, you are emotionally vulnerable and can be taken advantage of by a religious leader.

Is sexual contact between a religious leader and me ever okay?

Meaningful consent can occur when two people are relatively equal in power and when fear, coercion or manipulation is completely absent from their relationship. Clergy who are seeking a romantic relationship can do so outside their own congregations. If a religious leader becomes interested in dating or romance with a member of his or her congregation (though this is complicated and not advisable), the clergyperson must remove him/herself from a ministerial role in that person's life before ethically pursuing a relationship of this nature.

Questions that need to be asked to evaluate if it is possible to pursue this type of romantic relationship include:

• Was the ministerial relationship minimal in nature (no counseling involved)?
• Is the religious leader willing to remove him or herself from the ministerial relationship?
• Is the religious leader willing to be open about the relationship with the congregation?

How do some religious leaders justify their sexual abuse?

Religious leaders are reported to have justified their boundary-crossing behavior in these ways:

• "But he said that love can never be wrong; that God had brought us together."
• "He said we should sin boldly so that grace might abound."
• "She said that ministry was mutual and our relationship was mutual. So she shared her problems with me and the sex followed from that."
• "I was learning about God for the first time. He took me seriously. I went along with the sex so that I could continue to learn from him."

How do I know if my boundaries have been crossed?

Your boundaries have been crossed if:

• You feel uncomfortable and confused with the interaction even if you are initially flattered.
• You are receiving unusual time and attention from the religious leader.
• You are receiving personal gifts from the religious leader.
• When you meet with the religious leader for counseling, you end up talking more about his or her problems than about yours.
• The religious leader is inviting you out for intimate, social occasions.
• The religious leader touches you in a way that you find confusing, uncomfortable or upsetting.
• The religious leader gives you theological rationale for questionable conduct, e.g. "God has brought us together."

What should I do if I am sexually attracted to my religious leader?

There is nothing wrong with you or your feelings. Your religious leader may be a very attractive, sensitive, caring person. Should you choose to share your feelings of attraction with your religious leader, it is his or her professional responsibility to help you to understand that to preserve the integrity of the ministerial relationship, he or she cannot reciprocate your interest in an intimate relationship.

What should I do if I believe I am a victim of sexual abuse by a religious leader?

If you believe you, or someone else, is a victim of sexual abuse by a religious leader:

• Pay attention to your feelings and trust yourself.
• Share your confusion, fear or anxiety with someone you trust.
• Remember that you are not to blame, even if you agreed to the relationship in the beginning.
• Find out if your congregation, synod, conference, etc. has a specific policy and procedure for dealing with complaints about clergy misconduct. Use that process to make a complaint.
• Find an advocate who understands church or synagogue systems; rely on him or her for guidance and support.
• Remember that you might not be the only person to whom this has happened and that your action can help both yourself and others.
• If a child has been sexually abused by someone in a ministerial role, make an immediate report to a law enforcement agency in your community.
• If you wish to make a complaint against a pastoral counselor, find out if he or she is a member of the American Association of Pastoral Counselors. Make the complaint there as well as to the church or synagogue.

How can I help my church or synagogue prepare for the possibility of sexual abuse by clergy?

Your congregation, synod, conference, etc. will benefit from examining the issue of sexual abuse within the ministerial relationship. You may wish to pose these questions as a way of helping your church or synagogue develop a compassionate and just system of responding to the potential problem of sexual abuse by clergy:

• Does your church or synagogue have a policy and procedure for responding to sexual abuse or other violations of professional ethics within the ministerial relationship?
• Is the policy widely disseminated to clergy and members of the congregation?
• Has training on the issue been made available to members of the congregation and clergy?

- See more at: http://www.faithtrustinstitute.org/resources/learn-the-basics/ce-faqs#sthash.4olSA926.dpuf

 We have a problem in churches across Canada that must be addressed. The problem is systemic in nature and despite the best efforts of those systems to ignore it or say it doesn't exist, it's a problem that won't go away.
It's the problem of Clergy Sexual Misconduct. A "problem" that shames its victims into silence and systematically takes away their voice.
Although there have been some denominations with the courage to name the problem and provide healing for victims, there is much more work to be done. For example, simply developing a protocol to deal with this horrendous issue is not enough. EVERY CHURCH must become a place that is safe for women. We must stand with victims and say, "We believe you!" We must give them back their voice. We must say in advance, "We will not ignore or diminish your pain, and here is how we will come alongside to provide healing."

The purpose of this website is twofold:
1) To provide INFORMATION about Clergy Sexual Misconduct. "Accurately naming the behavior is an important step to reshaping our thinking about this troubling reality in the church, and how we name it reveals our belief about it. Holding clergy accountable with compassion and purpose and providing healing resources to churches and survivors is dependent upon an accurate starting point. Only when we name the behavior accurately can we hope to have a healing outcome for all involved."
As Beth Ann Gaede states in the preface to When A Congregation is Betrayed, Clergy Sexual Misconduct is NOT a matter of a a "relationship" gone awry but an abuse of power. 
It is vitally important for leaders in the church who care about the congregation to become educated about this subject. Sadly, however, the opposite is often true. "For some reason, perhaps because of denial, many churchleaders try to do this difficult work (of dealing with CSM) without preparation and without asking for outside assistance. If people without training or guidance try to respond, the outcome can be disastrous. One of the entities that will pay dearly for a lack of preparation for dealing with clergy betrayal will be the congregation." (When a Congregation is Betrayed, p.4) And the cost to the victims can hardly be comprehended.
Please use the RESOURCES tab above to find websites, articles, books and personal stories.

2) To create INCENTIVE for denominations and churches to develop policies and practices that will ensure that churches become safe places not only for children, but also for women and other vulnerable people. Does YOUR church or denomination have a policy to deal immediately and compassionately with Clergy Sexual Misconduct? Is it readily available to everyone in the congregation? Do you know that your church is a safe place instead of another "good-old-boys club"?
Please use the DENOMINATIONAL POLICIES tab above to see which churches have policies in place.

Perhaps this website can be a starting point for people who "love justice and righteousness" to come together to reflect the heart of God in dealing with this very important problem.